Take Your Shit & Sell It In the Hood!

LEFT: Steeners holds up a pair of XXL elastic running shorts, practically a sin. Look at the fear in her eyes.

Yesterday me and my roommate Steeners went to Target on Atlantic Avenue. We figured the place would be less ransacked on a Friday than on Sundays.

Among the required shopping (a new pot for Ed, toilet bowl brush) was new sheets for Steeners's bed. Once locating the bedding section, a near 7ft tall man walked by me yelling "Am RICH! Am so RICH!" holding a duvet on his shoulder like it were a trophy. I did one of those little snort laughs to myself and thought "you're buying a duvet in a Target man - rich people don't do 200 thread counts."

We began sheet browsing when the man came up behind Steeners and said something about how she was a fine piece of meat (honestly, I forget the exact words). Now, in NYC men hoot and holler quite a bit(I seem to be a black and hispanic favorite), this is nothing new - but when it's done in a store, and the man just stops walking and stares at my friend, I find it quite offensive.

Out from the pillow case aisle I popped and walked up to him and simply said "fuck off."

On reflection, I'm not sure this was the best thing I could have done. He looked at me and said "you don't haf to be jealous cause I wasn't lookin at choo." Obviously, he had nailed the issue on the head, I was crushed he hadn't been looking at me. But that aside, crazy man shopping in his work out clothes went on this long ass rant.

Me and Steeners turned and returned to browse the twin sheets but he wouldn't stop in this obnoxiously loud voice telling us how he's "really African, I'm from Africa." I think it's great he's proud of his family history but we weren't an interested audience.

But the best line was his exit where he told us "your lucky I'm 40 an nat 20 no mor, because ad wait fow you out-sad and follow you, an then take aawl yo shit and sell it in the hood!"

Brilliant, the last 20 years of his life has knocked enough sense into him to realize robbing people isn't appropriate. Although clearly he hasn't yet realized hollering at women isn't. What would his mother think?

Now I'm trying to remember what it's called when you write dialogue/dialog (both ways are recognized in Webster's Dictionary) the way a person sounds when they speak it. I remember a short story I read about a southern woman, and the authors was this x-slave or something who was apparently the first person to write like that. In the story she had an abusive husband, walked along a dirt road for some reason, and I think she killed her husband with a snake.